Clash of Cultural Values: Living with Mom Screws Up Your Game

The modern day American woman needs a man who has life experience, knows how to take care of his own house (or apartment), cook his own food, wash his own laundry, groom himself, and do all the very basic things that non-Asian men in the US have been doing for years.
In traditional Asian society, it's perfectly normal for a grown man (say, for example, all the way up to the age of 40).

You may laugh, but I give you this real life example. When I was in Sydney, Australia, I gave a free seminar. In attendance were about 5 Caucasians and about 40 Asians, all in the mid-20s and 30s, from the college aged to the white collar. Because the topic was Manhood, I asked the audience who still lived with their parents. And do you know how many raised their hands?

100% of all the Asian men said they still lived with mom and dad and NONE of the white guys did.

The reason?

Three traditional Asian values:
  1. Filial piety (following the commands of one's elders)
  2. Saving money held as a higher priority than one's romance life
  3. The belief that if you work hard, girls will come to you
When you live at home with your mom, you fulfill these three traditional Asian values. Now, as wonderful as it is to follow these principles (and reap the many rewards that flow from them) if you live in Asia, this is practically a dating-death-sentence for the Asian American man living here in the US.

I'll explain why this is the case in more detail, but before I do that, let's first spend a moment to understand the meaning, and the implications, of these three traditional Asian values.

First, filial piety where the whole concept here is that you're supposed to do as your parents tell you.

Regardless of what they say, they're right, because their chronological age is greater than yours. Forget about context, maturity, self-awareness, intellect, or even life experience. All of that stuff goes out the window when you're living in old-school Asia. Asia (particularly China, Taiwan, and South Korea) are heavily vested in Confucianism (the school of thought from which these traditional Asian values came).

Under that system, you do what your parents tell you because they did what their parents told them, and their parents did what your great grandparents told them to do. Period. Here in the US, you'd probably want to listen to the advice of someone that you know, trust, and whom you've observed to have pretty decent amounts of context, maturity, self-awareness, intellect, and life experience. But in filial piety, it's assumed that your parents have all that (even if you know that they don't), and you have to follow their lead, like a lemming.

Second, saving money held as a higher priority than one's romance life is a big thing in Asia.

In your parents society, and particularly in your grandparents society (and even MORESO in your great grandparents' society), money, food, clothing, and basic necessities were scarce. So, to cope with that, Asian people did what they did best- work really hard, and save, save, save. Old-school Asia didn't have quite the same modern conveniences and booming economy that America has enjoyed, so that's the mentality that prevailed, and that's how your family, through so many generations, survived.

They've drilled this mentality into you, and thus you now find yourself, a grown man at the age of 35, still living at home with mommy. Women in old-school Asia think that a man who can take care of his finances is attractive, because the priority there is that the man be a salary man, even at the expense of being a total loser.

Third, the belief that if you work hard, girls will come to you.

This is a no-brainer for your parents and your grandparents, because that's how things worked in old-school Asia. You put your head down, didn't make much noise, didn't make a fuss, didn't stand out in any way, followed orders, and your teachers gave you good grades for being respectful and for being obedient. When you got a job, the managers came to YOU if you did those things in the workplace. That's how old-school Asia works.

Why is this a dating-death sentence? In the US, women want a man who is independent, free thinking, and able to take care of himself, because it implies that he can take care of her too. At the ABCs of Attraction, we call this the "Protector of Loved Ones" attraction switch. However, a man who lives at home with mommy is looked down upon by American women as someone who is incompetent and unable to function as a competent male in society.

All this translates into one very important thing:

A man who is saving money by living at home is looked down upon by women here in the US.

Being that American women are slightly more independent and free thinking than those in old-school Asia, they don't care how much money a man has hoarded up and saved by living at home with mommy; she can get her own job and save her own money.

The modern day American woman needs a man who has life experience, knows how to take care of his own house (or apartment), cook his own food, wash his own laundry, groom himself, and do all the very basic things that non-Asian men in the US have been doing for years.

Last, a man who puts his head down, works hard, doesn't cause a fuss, and doesn't assert his individuality (either in his profession, preferences, or passions & hobbies), is extremely unattractive to the modern day American woman. In old-school Asia, just by working hard and being obedient, your massive family of aunts, uncles, and cousins, would bring girls to you, and they'd want to meet you because of your strict adherence to traditional Asian values.

However, here in the US, arranged marriages and setups aren't anywhere near an integrated part of society as they are in Asia, so guess what? You're putting your head down, working hard, and suppressing your individuality for a match-making that is never going to happen :)

Have you moved out of your mom's house? Have you had a fun, adventurous and fulfilling romantic life? If you take a good hard look at your life, are you evolving beyond the above 3 traditional Asian values and fulfilling modern-day American values?

If you answered no to one, some, or all of these questions, your love life may be suffering from a clash of cultural values.

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